Come Sit Down Beside Me
"To grow to adulthood as a social species, including humans,
is not to become autonomous and solitary.
It is to become the one on whom others can depend."
- John Cacioppo
Yesterday morning my upstairs neighbour came to my back door. I saw her out of the corner of my eye, while I had my head down, vacuuming. "Grrr" I rumbled internally, "not now, I'm busy. I've finally got some time to myself, I've gotta vacuum, I've gotta get some work done, I've gotta blah blah blah.....maybe I can pretend I haven't seen her?" Realising I was being pretty ridiculous, of course I stopped what I was doing, took a breath to collect myself, and went to greet her at the door.
What followed was a warm conversation of connection, humour, empathy and deeper understanding of a shared situation. It left me in a much better state than I had been in prior to our conversation, and curiously much more ready to engage in the tasks I had set myself for the day.
Has something like this ever happened to you, where the 'inconvenient visitor' turned out to be a surprising and much-needed gift?
I'm sharing this as a great example of exactly what I've been pondering - how leaning into connection (especially when we don't feel like it) is essential medicine for a human being, and one of the most difficult, important and healing skills for us to learn.
In many ways, we are all still reeling and healing from the effects of the Covid-19 pandemic, and the effect that all the isolation, division, fear, mistrust, and polarisation had on us as individuals, communities and societies.
Yet there is plenty of robust and substantive evidence now to support the understanding that we humans deeply need each other. We are wired for connection from Day 1, and without it we simply do not thrive. As John Cacioppo says we don't derive strength from our rugged individualism, but from our ability to plan, communicate, and work together. Our neural, hormonal, and genetic make up support interdependence over independence.
Intuitively, I think many of us know this to be true. Evolutionary biologist Lyn Margulis particularly has championed the understanding and evidence that cooperation and symbiosis are powerful drivers of evolution. And yet the prevailing culture and narrative continues to reinforce the distorted view of dominance, hierarchy, competition, fear and scarcity.
It takes courage to swim against this stream. We have to be willing to step outside our comfort zone, our agenda, and our lounge rooms sometimes! We have to be willing to be present for our own experience, and the often very different experience of others. We have to be willing to keep opening our hearts, even when they get bruised. We have to be willing, as Joan Sutherland puts it, to move beyond our cozy but lonely 'private buddha' world, and step out into the messier world of interdependence, where we and all other beings live by the virtue and generosity of each other.
This courage takes vulnerability, because we have to be willing to admit that we actually have needs, and that some of those needs have to be met by others. It's just the way it is. It is vulnerable and courageous to reach out with our tendrils of longing, connection and care, rather than curl up into our little solitary shell of isolation.
Come Together
There is something amazing that happens when human bodies are in a space together. Our very intelligent nervous systems get to work, and there is a powerful co-regulatory function that happens between us. Just as a mother reassures her baby through her body, her touch, and her words, that everything is OK, we also do this for each other as adults. Coming together can smooth off our rough edges. When we walk in, we are somewhat armoured, but also hopeful. We are brave to come together in our need for connection and communality. If the space is a safe space, with a heartfelt intention, we will leave with a greater sense of belonging, clarity, humanity, and shared experience.
Under the Waves - the next Nelson Morning of Mindfulness - is coming up on Sunday 11th August, 9:30am - 1pm, at Fairfield House.
You are warmly invited to join us. All of us will be coming out of our 'private buddha' realm and into the richness of community. We will drop anchor underneath the waves, digest what we've been navigating, and rediscover the rich source of stillness, creativity, and regeneration in the depth of our being. We will bring our hearts, our hopes, our courage, and our humanity.
Let's meet together under the waves, where it is quieter, where there is room for life to unfold, without needing to know all the answers.
Let's remind each other of the love and sanity that is at the core of our being.